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Asking for Consent Can Be Sexy AF

The undeniable power of an enthusiastic yes

You will never understand until it happens to you. This sentence is used a lot in the context of trying to explain different traumas to people who have never went through it. It’s hard to explain depression, anxiety or rape or the responsibility of a mother to someone who never experienced it. This is how I felt about consent. Until I experienced what it feels like when your consent is taken away from you, I never understood the fuss about it.

I know the reason why several people feel the same way about consent as I used to. Because if you are a decent human being, who is empathetic and caring enough, it would never occur to you that wanting something entitles you to disregard someone else’s wish. Most people I know — hearing about a sexual assault or rape case — stare in disbelief and say “no, it can’t have happened.” It is not about not believing me, the victim, it is about not getting at all, that there are people out there who don’t have the same basic values.

When it comes to sex, consent is paramount. And I am not talking about a “well, okay” kind of shrug, but the enthusiastic consent when you keep saying yes loud and clear.

Many people see asking for consent as a necessary but tedius task. Like, how much more pragmatic do we need to get before we finally get to it? I get it that no means no, but can’t we just proceed, after all no one said no? Well, no.

This is not the right way to look at it. If you want a healthy, happy and satisfying sex life you need to learn to ask for and give consent in a way that it’s not only not killing the mood, but rather adds some extra spice to it.

Most people understand already that “no means no”, and “no is a complete sentence”. We talked enough about “nos” during and since the #metoo movement, and it turned out that saying no is a showstopper. Duh.

It’s great that we are heading somewhere with it, but consent is not just the absence of “no”. Consent is not a shrugged “fine”. It’s not a reluctant or coerced “okay” or a hesitant nod.

It’s not a one-time expressed “yes” that you bring forward until the end of time. Consent…

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